Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I blinked and here I am.

Due to an abundance of cash, we took off to L.A. til monday. (actually we won a trip, but wouldn't it be nice if it were an abundance of cash?)
We'll be staying at a fancy-dancy hotel, and enjoying the lifestyle of the beautiful people. I can't wait to hit Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive baby!
(poor JP, i'm gonna so drag him along as we buy maps to the houses of the
rich and famous...teehee)
So, the last real memory I have from my childhood is when my mom told me that my dad died at 11.
Which is odd, because he is very much alive, but when I was 11, and living in Romania -communism and all- my dad decided to run across the border and see if he can escape it. He and my mom talked about it for years -I didn't know this then- and had decided that it was time.
The problem is that in Romania, back then, people did 'dissapear' in the middle of the night, and whoever uttered a bad word about the dictator, did in fact 'vaporize' into thin air... it was not fun living there. A real live "big brother" type world (ever read 1984?)
Moving on.
When my dad ran, he knew that they'd question me and my mom to his whereabouts. My parents figured if I didn't know where he was, we'd both be safe. So, in my mother's infinite wisdom, once he left, she told me he died. Which I then believed for 3 years!! Yeah, that was fun.
Then one day, when I was 14, she tells me we're moving to Canada to reconnect with my dad. PARDON? (Oh yeah, she cost me years in therapy.) But anyway, back to the point.
I don't recall my childhood at all. I have this one memory and then the next thing I recall I am in highschool in Vancouver. All the big events I remember, my prom, my kids being born, but I have real trouble with the details. I am constantly getting in trouble from friends when they say "remember the time when?" and I always say "no".
I sometimes wonder if this incident has anything to do with me "blocking" things out as my therapist liked to call it, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just kinda slow.
Not sure what brought this thought on today. I was driving home, and thought "holy shit, my son's almost 8. When did THAT happen?"


Eileen said...

I have the same problem with remembering. Exept that we didn't live in a communist county. And my dad didn't run. But he really did die. I was 15.
I have almost distant-dream like memories of my childhood, there is very little I remember about it. I've also found that there are almost chunks out of my life that are void of memories. Talking to friends and family, I feel like an outsider because of the things I 'used' to do with them.
Maybe it is some sort of self-preservation, but nothing in my childhood was THAT tramatic that I would have to block it like that. At least I don't think so.

Sayre said...

Having a parent die IS traumatic. Whether it really happened or not. And to be lied to about it is even more traumatic. I can understand why they felt like they had to do that, but it definitely took its toll on you. So now you "protect" yourself by blocking memories that even MIGHT become something you want to forget.

Having this blog is documenting your life in a way. It's a way to say "I was here" in other ways that you cannot. Perhaps that's why you feel so strongly about continuing to blog!

My son is 8 and I wonder how that happened every day.

Ryan said...

I've been told (and you've been told) that blocking things out is how we deal with super traumatic things... I'm not sure where the line is though?

You thought about your son being 8 and wondered how that happened???

I show up at work every morning thinking the same thing... "Wow... how the hell did this happen???"

I'm glad that you were actually reunited with your father, but I'm thinking that's what caused most of the stress. I don't think most people would deal with the fact of losing someone permanently only to find out - they aren't really gone. That's really hard.

I.A.M.L. said...

Eileen - I had no idea your dad died when you were young. You block things out too? Hey, we'd be a real hoot at a reunion, together.

Sayre - Yeah, that's what my thearpist said too, but your comment was free and she was years of $$$. Hmmmm....I sould've met you first, lol.

8 is a big age, isn't it? It's not quite pre-teen, but certainly not little kid anymore either. Odd. We're getting older.

Ryan - I never think of this as super traumatic. In fact, I'm quite blase about it, since it evokes no emotion in me whatsoever.

You showing up for work and wondering how it happened, is the real question. Don't you still feel like we should be kids still? I do. I'm heading toward 33 fast, and my brain is saying "but I sill feel young, hold on a second!!"

You blink and it's over.

Dave said...

Blogger knows me now.

Anonymous said...

I forget peoples names and I never remember half the things that they remember us doing together but I do remember lots of my childhood. For years every bad thing that happened was raw and near the surface. I finally decided I needed to stop the bad memories wih good ones because a lot of good fun kid stuff happened too and I didn't want my whole life to end up one big bad memory. I found that i really need joy so that I can make sure my kids have some joy to remember.

And I found that when I focus on the good memories I can handle the bad one's better and I have become more forgiving.

I hated thinking life is a bitch and then we die...I like thinking life is full and then I can rest.
It took me a long time getting here.


Jazz said...

Whoa. I had no idea you were from Romania. That had to be horrible. But then again, telling you that might just have saved your family tons of problems.

tweetey30 said...

You know I dont remember some of the things I did when I was a child but I remember some things and other friends will look at me like what are you talking about. I just think its how our minds work after we get so old. LOL...

Your son is almost 8 and Kora will be seven in January. Wow where has time went. Time flies by so fast its hard to believe that they were babies and needed us for so long in there lives. I mean they will always need us but at first they need us all the time.

Psychosomatic said...

What an interesting life. You should write a memoir - of course if you can remember more of it.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you!

I do suffer from what I lovingly refer to as "CRS"...(Can't remember shit)!

Eileen said...

Talking about 'growing up'. I go over to some of my friend's houses and think to myself 'wow, this is a PARENT house, not a KID house'.
You are correct about 8. Heather is almost 8 1/2 and she is a pre-teen, or 'tween'. It's weird. She's starting to look at herself to see if she's getting breasts. It's very cute.
By the way, Michelle, there are a lot of things from my childhood, my father dying when I was 15 was sort of the end of it. Tons of stuff when I was younger. I'm very blase about it myself. It just happened, it's how it was. Didn't know any differently. I could have years of therapy as well, but I go to AA instead. It's much cheaper.

I.A.M.L. said...

Dave - well thank god for that ;-)

Jolie - You need to teach a class about positive thinking my dear friend, lol. I'd so totally sign up for it.

Jazz - Heinzeit is 20/20. Even now, I don't know if we'd done anything different about that situation. It was what it was.

I.A.M.L. said...

Psychomatic - hey, what an idea! Yeah, if only i could remember more eh? Hehe.

Queen - CRS? What do you care, you have servents who can remind you! You are queen. No memory required, just a lot of jewels. *Grin*

Eileen - You're right. AA probably would have been cheaper. Come to think of it, next time I have a need to see her, I'll just hit the bottle instead...then i could get counseling for free. Oh, right...that's a bad idea ;-)

I.A.M.L. said...

Psychomatic - I just noticed you took down your profile!!! WHY?

Did it really have to go?

Special K ~Toni said...

Wow! I don't even know what to say! WOW!

HamiHarri said...

Wow - that is a pretty amazing story...def going to pick up a copy of 1984...

I.A.M.L. said...

Toni - You? Speechless?!

HamiHari - they made us read that in school, how'd you get around it? LOL...

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Maybe you're so busy being in the moment, that you're mind is too busy enjoying things to remember to record the events in your memory bank.....no? Well it's a better theory than thinking you're just kinda slow. ;-)

tweetey30 said...

Have fun. I want photo's when you come home though. I demand photo's.

tweetey30 said...

Have fun. I want photo's when you come home though. I demand photo's.

ablondeblogger said...

Hey Michelle!

I got a little taste of what you've been going through this weekend. Turns out I have a couple of stalkers I didn't know I had either. Why do people suck so much? UGH!

I can't make mine private because of my PayPerPosts, but I really wish I could. I don't like the idea of these people following me around out there and taking every opportunity they can to attack me.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I feel for you even more now and to say thank you for the invite here!


Eileen said...

Well, la-dee-da! Off to LA for the weekend. How did you WIN a trip???
Where are the kids?
How lucky are you! Awesome. Hope you had a great time!!
Play the lottery now. If you win, can you please send the girls and I round-trip tickets to visit you??

luckyzmom said...

Scary childhood memories. Takes lots of work to overcome.