Saturday, March 15, 2008

However weird you are, this is weirder

So, I'm googling Scientology.

Why? Because it's wednesday night and I've got nothing better to do. (that's not really the point here)

Well, of course I immediatly wonder if, I too, could become a couch-jumping wacko. So I dig a little deeper. Ah, a questionaire. Perfect. (These are actual questions from the Church of Scientology 's "Sec Whole Track" questionaire. No lying.)

1. Have you ever driven anyone insane? Most likely. Ask my husband. Or my mother.

2. Have you ever killed the wrong person? Um, it's ok if I killed the right person?

3. Is anybody looking for you? Nobody good.

4. Have you ever set a poor example? Nope. I only teach my kids to hit when no one is looking.

5. Did you come to earth for evil purposes? Um, did you?

6. Are you in hiding? Usually.

7. Have you systematically set up mysteries? Yes. It's always a mystery to me how I never have any money left over.

8. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people? Do I count?

9. Have you ever gone crazy? Gone? I'm still there...I can't find my way back.

10. Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity? Actually yes. Back in the day, I had quite a few admirers who could not take no for an answer. So I tried to act even crazier than I am, to scare them off. But the crazier I acted, the more they wanted me. Go figure.

11. Have you ever deserted or betrayed a great leader? Well, we haven't had one in a while, so I"ll go with

12. Have you ever smothered a baby? No. Never even thought about it. My kids are awesome.

13. Do you deserve to have any friends? Of course I do. I'm super fun.

14. Have you ever castrated anyone? Not yet. But I've thought about castrating some of the boys in question 10.

15. Do you deserve to be enslaved? Um, no. Oh wait, will it be by one of my A-List guys?

16. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? Huh? I don't get this one. Oh, are you talking about drinking, cause in that case, yes.

17. Have you ever zapped anyone? No. I have no zapper gun thing-y. Can I get one of those from you?

18. Have you ever had a body with a veneral disease? As far as I know this is the only body I've had, and it's clean. think I can get in? Well, if not, there's always Kaballah.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Good samaritans or suckers?

Have you ever had something happen to you that was so ridiculous that the only logical thought in your head was "I'm so blogging this!"
Last weekend started out like any other. In fact, we thought it would be better than most, since some family friends of ours called us and told us that they've decided to buy new furniture and are getting rid of their gently used leather couch, loveseat and lazychair. Would we want them?
Since we've been looking to update our couch, and their leather couch had a
hide-a-bed in it, we said "HELL YA!"
We've been meaning to update our furniture, and had agreed on buying a couch with a hide-a-bed next time. It seemed that our friends offer was our lucky day.
Alas, it's wasn't that simple. These people lived about an hour away and we'd need to rent a moving truck to fit it all in. After doing the math, we came to the conclusion that it'd be worth paying for the rental in order to receive such quality furniture for free.
At the rental place the employee pissed me off right away. He took all my I.D's, along with a strand of my hair for DNA and a urine sample. Then he proceeded to 'authorize' my credit card for $300... (rental was just $100!) in case I got a speeding ticket while I had the truck.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I get a speeding ticket in someone else's truck, I am still the one paying for the ticket, not the owner of the truck. I tried to argue this point and some lady behind me in line who really wanted to get on my last nerve, butt in and said 'they're just doing their job, it's their policy to authorize for that".
I thanked her for being so helpful and jumping in. My eyes must have told a different story 'cause she backed right up.
Then, the employee of the month, takes his clipboard and starts going outside with it. He inspects the truck announces that there are no damages to it and that it'll be inspected again upon it's return. So, I went outside and started taking pictures of all the dents and scratches with my cellphone.
Dude's got a clipboard, and looked all official, so I figured I could take pictures, while loudly announcing each scratch I found.
(Ya don't think that was childish of me, do ya?)
The cow, I mean the helpful lady inside, was rolling her eyes at me through the glass.
We made it to our destination, where the leather gifts were already neatly stacked outside. I was so exited, they were a beautiful hunter green colour. We backed up in the driveway, and I hopped out.
Good thing I was holding on to the back door as I jumped out or I would've fallen on my ass right there.
It was like a bad movie...All I could say is "no no no" and shake my head.
JP followed me and I just stared and pointed.
I am not going to pretend that I am not a snob, because I most certainly am. I like nice things. I don't put crap in my house.
If that crap is being given away for free, it's still crap and I don't want it.
No wonder they left the shit outside.
They probably had it out there the entire winter and nobody took it.
The couches were dirty, scratched, dis-colored, and just all around nasty. I couldn't believe my eyes. Where the hell did these people think I lived, in the ghetto of suburbia? I wouldn't be caught dead with those pieces in my house.
So now, we're an hour away from home, with an empty rental truck and items we don't want in front of us. JP suggests we just load them in, and talk about it on the way home. So, he loaded them in by himself as I cussed like a sailor and we drove back.
Once we got home, we moved our couch out of the way, and figured we'd at least try to bring the one couch in (with the hide-a-bed) and see if it would look better once inside. We unloaded the stuff, and once out of the truck, that same wave of disgust came over me when I saw it. No way am I putting this in my house.
Jp loaded it all back in the truck and we put our old couch back. Now we had to go get rid of these items somewhere. We went to a couple of thrift stores. One was not accepting donations on sunday, the other was full. At this point we're just driving around looking for someone who'll take them.
(bare in mind we're being charged by the kilometer as we're driving)
Never one to be classy and composed in situations like this, I cursed and swore the entire time. (Oh, yeah, I'm a treat to hang out with when things don't go my way)
We decide we should go to the dump and 'recycle' this garbage. We go in, we wait in line, we pay an arm and a leg (they charge by weight) and then we leave. Of course, JP unloaded the entire truck alone
again, while I took pictures documenting this catastrophy for you guys.
these pictures don't truly show the awful state of the rips and tears, in fact they look ok in the photos.
By this point we've spent over $150 (including milage, gas, truck rental and 'recycling fee') and 5 hours of our sunday afternoon taking out other people's trash.
Once we got back into our own vehicle, after the rental truck was returned, we looked at each other and laughed.
Somehow, it's hard not to feel like total suckers.