Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I can't believe you're still here

 You came back to check if there was a new post, expecting the same old Bahamas heading, didn't ya?
Well I am full of surprises.
I don't want my posts to be few and far between, like some of you have been complaining about *ahem, Karen* but I also can't really blog like I used to. 
You know how lovely this past September has been for me, right? (think back people, it's not that long ago - remember my drama?) Well, one would assume I'd have moved on since then, forgive and forget, that sort of thing. One would assume that since it's March, September would be all but forgotten.
Well, one would be wrong.  Now yes, we've moved on since then, and are rebuilding. But the trouble is that I am constantly looking back at the pre-september life and wonder how I could have been so wrong about someone who I thought I knew so well?  
Yes, I have since forgiven the incident, but I can't for the life of me look at this person the same way. You tell me, in all honesty how you can block such a betrayal out of your mind? I know some of your personal stories, and there are some readers out there that have overcome far worse betrayals and have gone on to have happy relationships.
I am not complaining, things are actually good. He's been trying his best to get back into my good graces ever since he's come back. I've been seeing a shrink since September as well, so I am definitely healing. But somewhere, somehow, during this big jolt - my rose coloured (I'm canadian ~ it's supposed to have the "u" there!) glasses got knocked off.
I have tried to put them back on, readjust them, strap tape to them if necessary, but the darn things just won't stay on! I see things differently now, and that makes me sad.
It's not necessarily bad, but I feel so jaded when I look around now. I think it's sad that we can love someone with our whole heart and build a home with them, and with one careless act, our entire sense of worth is in question.  
In the end, I guess the lesson is supposed to be "rely on yourself"! 
This is the part that I feel sounds jaded, when I say that when push comes to shove only you can ever truly take care of you... I never used to feel that way. I used to think 'together all is possible'.  It's not a bad thing at all that it's changed for me, in fact in many ways I like who I am now way more than pre-September. I am more self assured, more independent, more confident and just more comfortable being on my own. 
I even have my very own friends now. *Gasp!*  Can you believe it?
That'll teach you about complaining about my lack of writing , won't it?  Hehehe....


JR said...

It sounds like you're progressing and the whole thing with progressing is that you can never go back. Just know that your pre-September experience has gone into making you who you are now, a better, more complete version of yourself. As much as it hurt and as disillusioned as you are at times, who you are now and where you are now is likely better. It kind of sucks that you can't go back to the rose coloured glasses, but you're also going to be less vulnerable in the future and not as easily duped, which is a good thing for you as a whole. Looking forward to more posts from you. I just put another one up before I go head down into politics again for the next 4 weeks. "VV"

tweetey30 said...

M that is horrible. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can forgive what happened but you still look back on why it happened.. I know because my ex before Jeff did the same thing to me until I finally just said enough is enough and kicked him out on his ASS...!!!!Not saying that is what you should do to JP. But glad you are trying though. I need to get going and have to work in half an hour. Talk to you soon. If you need to e-mail if you need to talk..

Eileen said...

I'm still here! I'm glad you are, too.
I loved the 'colour' explanation.
One thing I have learned about life: if things (good and bad) don't happen the way in which they did, you would be a different person. The best one can do is to learn from the past and take that learning with her. The big IF. It's hard to accept crappy things and move on. You did some major soul-searching back then and made a decision to move on. You can't expect things to be 'the same', just as you can't expect your kids to stop growing. Watching my kids physically grow reminds me of the inner growing that we all do. You can't see it on a day-to-day basis, but one day you wake up and all the clothes are too did that happen overnight??
Give yourself a break and look at the positive changes since that time. As time goes on, 'that time' will be a thing of the past and you will emerge as a new and improved couple.

Glad you're back (again), I missed you.
PS...we MAY be going there end of summer, early Sept. A good friend is getting married and wants my kids in the wedding party. They don't know (the kids, not the couple). Will update you as Iknow more...

Lisa said...

I understand all too well. :) Life changes us sometimes in ways we never expected- but as long as we can grow from it and come out on the other end better, then maybe it's worth it? And what is better? More wise? More aware? More reliable? IS love that romantic illusion we see in the movies? Or is love the ability to keep moving forward, being willing to try with that same person who has so wounded us? Is love be willing to move on? And what if we just can't? Then what do we do??? All in all, I see you blossoming and becoming a more assured, loving woman. And in the end, that makes me proud of you and inspires me to keep trying too. I'm not sure I ever want to have rose colored (american spelling, hee hee) glasses again. I'd rather have clear vision, and still decide to be in that relationship, for better or worse...

Tammi said...

I like what Eileen says
"The best one can do is to learn from the past and take that learning with her".
That seems like a BIG pill to swallow,huh? I'm still trying to swallow it my OWN self.
Forgiveness--I try and understand.
But to FORGET--I have a real hard time w/ that.


BlondeBlogger said...

I think it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling the way you do and it's just one of the stages of healing. Do you think he'd be willing to go to your counselor with you? It might help to do some couples therapy. I'll be praying for you and you know I'm always here for you. *hug*

Helene said...

well I don t know what happened to you in September but I do know it is hard to forgive and forget. I am pretty good at the forgive part - i think - but I can't seem to forget. I suppose there is no harm in being cautious, (in my case - suspicious and parano), but hey, don t ever stop living loving and laughing on anyone's account.

Just telling it like it is said...

Awe girrrl friend...
Lives that look like leave it to beaver.. We all have problems and I have to give it to you for sticking in there...
Something must be said though that we are still here after you time away...Something must be said about how amazing we must think you are without the benefit of nothing but your brain I'm just saying...
Till the end of my old days...
Just in case you were wondering

Tammi said...

Poppin in to say hey...and see what your up to

HamiHarri said...

I'm here! And you're right, I was still expecting to see your post about Bahamas still on for a while there I thought you guys had actually gone and had been abducted during a time share presentation, or something :O

Anyway, I love reading your posts no matter how often (or not that often ;p) you post.

It's easy for me to say, "love like you'll never get hurt" and "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before" and all that jazz...but I haven't experienced all that you have and am not in the same place as all that I can truly offer is an ear and my support - 'cause you have all the support from me that you can imagine ;)

Laura said...

Wow I suck, I didn't realize you were back to posting again so I haven't been visiting your blog. I hope you're feeling ok about things... these kinds of relationship issues that come up, even if they all work out in the end, they change you. Some things for the better, some things for the worse. I've certainly found that anyway. But it sounds like you're strong and doing well.

I think I still just have your old email address on file - what's the one you check regularly? Can you email me with it?