Addicted to crack

I have never done drugs.

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(Well, that "one time, at band camp", but I puked and never touched it since)

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but I think I know a little about what being addicted to crack must feel like...

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You see, the (real) reason I've been neglecting this blog, and the reason I've had to cancel barbeques with friends, miss a recent 'girl night out' and become a night owl,

is because I have a big, dark, embarrassing secret.
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Like all addictions, everything starts out very small at first. You tell yourself that you're not hurting anyone , and everything is okay 'in moderation'.

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Gradually, and innocently enough, your intervals between get a little closer, and closer until you start lying to others about how often 'it' happens.

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I have been lying to my husband for about 3 weeks. I am downplaying the symptoms and I am finding ways to hide the fact that I have a problem.

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I've been really struggling with how I could tell you this gently, yet recently, I feel that I need to un-burden myself:

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I am a "in the closet" BIG BROTHER nut ...

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(Yes, the reality show. Stop rolling your eyes!)

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More than just a regular viewer. I am a secret BIG BROTHER fanatic.
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I am absolutly addicted to anything to do with this reality show. I know, I know, you think it's disgusting right?

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But innocent?

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Yeah well, it started out like that.

And then, I went online and started google-ing all things Big Brother. Then, I joint BIG BROTHER chat groups. But the "out of control" started when I found this blog.

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It basically updates me 3 or 4 times a day to what is going on in the big brother house. You see, the author of this blog has the LIVE internet feeds that are on 24 hours a day!

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And she has nothing else to do with her day then to update, me, the reader as to what is happening in that BIG BROTHER house as it happens.

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She even stays awake at night during those long endurance competitions and gives hourly updates. WITH VIDEO, people!!

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Now that is committment, my friends.

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I find myself envious of her resources...

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Never mind that I would probably have to quit my job just so I could stay at home and watch the live feeds all day.

I think that would probably push me further in the downward spiral than I already am..

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But I've realized I had a problem towards the end of last week. I had started to suspect it for a few days, ever since I've been 'mis-counting' the times I frequented this blog, when JP asked...

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He knows I am online ALL the time reading about it, but he gives me the benefit of the doubt. When he asked how many times, I said TWO.

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(in reality, you'd have to add another zero to that digit, and that would probably be more of an accurate description of my past time)

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I tried to stop and I can't.

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There are no self help groups out there available for BIG BROTHER fanatics, I already looked.

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Just more weirdos like me, who encourage this behaviour. I have a whole new group of 'friends' who I discuss the BIG BROTHER show and strategy at length with, every evening.

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Each move of the houseguest gets scrutinized and then taken apart by us geeks.

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Oh yeah, it's THAT disturbing. (are you cringing?)

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More than once I've logged on after JP went to bed, in the bathroom, to find out what is going on....

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DON'T JUDGE ME, it's a sickness!!

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I figure since the finale is on April 27th, and the live feeds will abruptly stop after that point, I need to find a way to wean myself off slowly.

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But what will I do with all that extra spare time?

I'll have to go out again...and see things.

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I'll talk to real live people, not only chat group Big Brother weirdos. Will I have anything in common with 'normal' people?

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I'll even have time for sex again....the possibilities are endless.

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I guess, in order to move forward, like with all good programs, you have to admit that you have a problem. Apparantly after that, it all takes care of itself.

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And they'll never let me watch another reality show again.

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*Sigh*

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Okay, here it goes:

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My name is Michelle and I addicted to BIG BROTHER.

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Now if I could just find a sponsor....

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You will never believe what I've done... I am shocked at my behavior ... just shocked!!

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I went out and bought ... another journal. And have been writing in it...with a pen.

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Yes, writing on it with a pen...blaspheme...or blogspheme!

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And I have noticed something. My handwriting is horrific, I can't read a damn word I wrote. Well, that isn't entirely true. I can read a it a bit, but I noticed I have this annoying habbit of skipping letters then going back and filling them in badly.

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I'm embarrassed by my penmanship, and I didn't realize how badly it's gotten...certainly a case of losing something not used!

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Come to think of it, I just realized I haven't written a letter (and mailed it out) in almost a decade. It's always email, text, phone, or msn.

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The only time I ever handwrite anymore is on excuse notes for my kids' school. And even then, I ask my kids to write them and I just sign the dotted line.

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Just curious, is there anyone left reading this blog, after I've abandoned it for 3 weeks?

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Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?