More mediocre service - coming right up!

Get ready America! It's coming!!

In case you haven't heard, Tim Horton's is trying desperately to push into the US market. Tim Horton's is a Canadian coffee and donut chain, much like Crispy Cream or Dunkin' Donuts.

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It's very popular in Canada, and it's rival is Starbucks. Although Starbucks has a certain snob appeal, I find most canadians, do in fact prefer Timmy's (as we affectionatly refer to it) to Starbucks due to the 'proudly canadian' factor.
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There is only one little teeny tiny problem. The people who they hire to work there!

As part of the pre-requisite to work at Tim Horton's you must not have graduated high school, and above all, you must not (I repeat NOT) speak english.

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If you meet the two critiria, you will most likely pass the interview - conducted by a manager and a fellow highschool drop out with no handle on the english language- with flying colours!

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(NO, it's not a spelling mistake, we spell colour with a 'u'. Same with neighbour, and labour too.)

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This little hickup does not stop hundreds of hungry commuters from lining up each morning through the drive through, most of us just grabing the standard 'double double' and a bagel.

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(double double is what Tim Hourton's calls their coffee. 2 cream, 2 sugar. Catchy, right?)

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I am one of those faithful, if completely frustrated customers, and I go by each morning at 6am and get my double double. Each morning it is always the same. I can put money on how it'll go.

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Tim Horton's Employee (In frightening Darth Vader voice)

"Welcome to Tim Horton's can I take your order?"

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Me (wondering why they all sound like Darth Vader in the damn speaker)

"A double double and a toasted bagel please"

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T H Employee:

"Would you like to try our new B.E.L.T bagel?" (Bacon Egg Lettuce Tomato)

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Me: "No"

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T H Employee: " Would you like anything else?"

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Me: "Still no."

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I get to the counter drive through. I go to pay. The lady who clearly wasn't listening the first time asks me to repeat my order. So I do. Slowly.

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Then she reaches out into my car handing me the bagel wrapped in a plastic-y type napkin. At this point I always ask for a bag. She sighs. Hands me the bagel AND a bag.

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I then proceed to put the bagel into the bag on my own. Next comes the coffee. Again, she attempts to hand me the hot drink. I ask for a sleeve or I'm going to have blisters on my hand before I even get around the corner. She visibly rolls her eyes, but complies.
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This ritual has gone on every single day for over a year. Same people at the drive through counter, same old me in the car. Same scenario every time.

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It just kills me. WHY can't they just bag it without being asked?! And why won't they put a sleeve on the coffee without being reminded?! Are we saving a few pennies for the corporate giant by cutting these corners?

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Then, of course are the days -like today- when I pay with cash instead of debit card. I try not to, because they sometimes run out of fingers and toes and I have to wait for someone else to come by and take off their sandals before I get my change.

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Today my order came to $3.25 I gave her a $5 bill. She got me my food/drink (after doing our little bag and sleeve dance back and forth first) and started giving me my change.

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I saw a quarter in my ashtray and handed it to her. That was my first mistake. She moved her hand back and had a puzzled look.

"You already paid." she said.
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Me: Yes I know, I'm trying to get less change so I'm giving you a quarter.

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TH Employee (so observant) But you already paid.

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Me: Yes, you are correct. But now I would like a toonie as change instead of all of that in your hand. ( a toonie is a 2 dollar coin we have)

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TH Employee: YOU PAID!!

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Me: We've established that. I am going to give you a quarter back and you can give me a toonie.

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TH Employee: I am going to get the manager.

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Me: Oh, for Fuck's sake.

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Manager comes back, (with the translater in tow)and asks me what the problem is. I tell them that I was trying to get less change and that I wanted to give her a quarter so that I could get a toonie instead of a bunch of coins.
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He pauses. Seems to be thinking. I hold my breath. Looks at her, then at me. Then he says to me "we don't do that here ma'am" and gives me back $1.75 in change.

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I just about dropped my coffee into my lap and shook my head.
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There was no point continuing, as I fear explaining it further would have made me late for work.

And that, in a nutshell, is TIM HORTON'S.

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Coming soon to an American town near you!