Is it over yet?

I am sure I have mentioned this before. I hate nature. I know a lot of you are going camping these days, happily sleeping outdoors in a tent and cooking weenies over a fire and dousing yourselves with bug spray.

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Not me.

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And this weekend reminded me of why I hate nature so much.

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1. On Friday, I had zero mosquito bites. By Sunday night, after spending Saturday and Sunday outdoors, I have 11 just on my legs. When I was little, my mom used to say they'd bite me because I was so sweet.
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I'm not that sweet at all.

Bugs just suck.

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2. I was at a girlfriend's house in her bathroom upstairs. So I see the shadow of a dragonfly on the window and open the window to flick the screen and make it go away. Well, I forgot that there is no screen and not one but THREE dragonflies flew into the bathroom. I had to flee, slamming the door behind me. I am only hoping they starve or run out of oxygen or something before I have to go back in there. Thank God for multiple bathrooms.

Again, bugs suck.

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3. We are out bbq'ing and I look at our patio set. WTF is that all over the chairs? OMG, it's spider webs, attaching the chairs to each other, and the webs are covered in a combination of teensy little spiders and spider eggs. We had just been sitting on these chairs a few nights before and there was none of this. DIS-gusting.

And, once again, bugs suck.

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4. A bee was in my kitchen. I freaked out. I smashed it against the window with a coupon-envelope-thingee. It fell to the window sill. I smushed it against the window frame with a big glass bottle that's on the sill. Whew, it's dead.
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I leave it there for Frenchie to pick up later. ( i don't really touch bugs in any way, shape or form) and I continue doing the dishes when I hear buzzing. OMG, the thing came back to life! I grab the coupon-envelope-thingee again and hit it, four times, against the window. It appears to be dead, but I do not fall for it this time. I see its little stinger twitching and I know it's trying to reincarnate so it can sting me. So I hit it again three times for good measure, then swipe it into the sink, into the drain and drown it. I run the water for a good 3 minutes, just to be sure. It swirls down the drain, never to be heard from again.

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If a soggy bee comes after me tomorrow, I'm making a movie about it!

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5. The scariest part of the weekend having to do with nature: we were outside golfing on Sunday evening. When we got back, I talked to the neighbors about enjoying the weather. When all of a sudden we hear a rustling noise. Now, I live in the suburbs, but practically the city. We do not have animals of any kind except for squirrels and the occasional chipmunk.

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So I start freaking out. Their boys think it's a racoon, but I think "no way!" We don't have wild animals like racoons and tigers and giraffes around here! Her husband goes inside and gets a flashlight. He shines it toward the bushes and what do we see but a baby bear? Which means, his mother is not far behind.
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Did I mention this is in our back yard?! This cannot be. I decide right then and there, as I barricaded myself in the house, that we need to move someplace less rural.
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Nature sucks.

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I am never going outside again.