Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Is it over yet?

I am sure I have mentioned this before. I hate nature. I know a lot of you are going camping these days, happily sleeping outdoors in a tent and cooking weenies over a fire and dousing yourselves with bug spray.
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Not me.
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And this weekend reminded me of why I hate nature so much.
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1. On Friday, I had zero mosquito bites. By Sunday night, after spending Saturday and Sunday outdoors, I have 11 just on my legs. When I was little, my mom used to say they'd bite me because I was so sweet.
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I'm not that sweet at all.
Bugs just suck.
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2. I was at a girlfriend's house in her bathroom upstairs. So I see the shadow of a dragonfly on the window and open the window to flick the screen and make it go away. Well, I forgot that there is no screen and not one but THREE dragonflies flew into the bathroom. I had to flee, slamming the door behind me. I am only hoping they starve or run out of oxygen or something before I have to go back in there. Thank God for multiple bathrooms.
Again, bugs suck.
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3. We are out bbq'ing and I look at our patio set. WTF is that all over the chairs? OMG, it's spider webs, attaching the chairs to each other, and the webs are covered in a combination of teensy little spiders and spider eggs. We had just been sitting on these chairs a few nights before and there was none of this. DIS-gusting.
And, once again, bugs suck.
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4. A bee was in my kitchen. I freaked out. I smashed it against the window with a coupon-envelope-thingee. It fell to the window sill. I smushed it against the window frame with a big glass bottle that's on the sill. Whew, it's dead.
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I leave it there for Frenchie to pick up later. ( i don't really touch bugs in any way, shape or form) and I continue doing the dishes when I hear buzzing. OMG, the thing came back to life! I grab the coupon-envelope-thingee again and hit it, four times, against the window. It appears to be dead, but I do not fall for it this time. I see its little stinger twitching and I know it's trying to reincarnate so it can sting me. So I hit it again three times for good measure, then swipe it into the sink, into the drain and drown it. I run the water for a good 3 minutes, just to be sure. It swirls down the drain, never to be heard from again.
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If a soggy bee comes after me tomorrow, I'm making a movie about it!
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5. The scariest part of the weekend having to do with nature: we were outside golfing on Sunday evening. When we got back, I talked to the neighbors about enjoying the weather. When all of a sudden we hear a rustling noise. Now, I live in the suburbs, but practically the city. We do not have animals of any kind except for squirrels and the occasional chipmunk.
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So I start freaking out. Their boys think it's a racoon, but I think "no way!" We don't have wild animals like racoons and tigers and giraffes around here! Her husband goes inside and gets a flashlight. He shines it toward the bushes and what do we see but a baby bear? Which means, his mother is not far behind.
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Did I mention this is in our back yard?! This cannot be. I decide right then and there, as I barricaded myself in the house, that we need to move someplace less rural.
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Nature sucks.
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I am never going outside again.

20 comments:

Hammer said...

Scary stuff! This year has indeed been bad about bugs. I've got nasty beetles crawling in from somewhere.

If it's any consolation, dragonflies eat mosquitos.

Eileen said...

Wwwahhh!
You are such a suck.
We had a bear in the neighbour's yard beside us (baby and mommy). All of us (kids and parents) went to see. It was neat. Then the police came with their 'little' rifles and wouldn't let us see it. The animal people came and took them away. Bye bye bear.
You live too close to the mountains for you not to get 'wildlife'.
Bugs are a part of life. I don't exactly love them either and stomp on them whenever I can. I love your part of the 'coupon booklet thingee', that's a classic.
If it makes you feel any better, racoons are a big problem in Toronto. Pretty much every night I see 'families' of 4 or 5 all the time. Those, like all the bugs, just 'are'. Deal with it or move into a bubble.
At least you don't have roaches.
(Yes, you can call me a 'bitch' now)

Jazz said...

Dragonflies? They are so cool!!!

That girl said...

Hammer - I take solace in that, thank you.

Eileen - I like your comments better when they're not yelling at me! LOl...I'd love to build me a bubble.

Jazz - Nope, they only look cool! It's a trick so you'll let them get close to you.

Then, when they are close enough, they stop looking so cool and start looking scary. No? - It's just me then, I'm a wimp.

Sayre said...

Sigh. I miss my wildlife. We used to have deer and armadillos and nutria and snakes and tortoises and rabbits in addition to the usual squirrels, birds, and raccoons. Lots of oppossums.

I don't think you could hack it here. Roaches are just a part of life. I'm not talking about those little tiny German things; I'm talking about palmetto bugs as big as a man's thumb is long. Since we've been in a drought situation here for the last 11 years or so, once summer really got cranking the roaches would start coming in looking for water. Spraying didn't help - nothing did. So you just kind of lived with it until it rained. Luckily for us, whatever is left of Fay after she comes ashore again will dump LOTS of rain on us and hopefully keep the roaches hanging out outside for the most part.

A baby bear? Awwwww!!!!!

tweetey30 said...

Bad bug year here to but hey those bears arent going to hurt you unless you corner them. If you just them them run through your yard they arent going hurt you or the kids. Just dont let the kids go out by themselves.

VV said...

Holy freakin' shit! Yeah, where baby bears go, mamas just seem to follow, I think it's nature or something. ;-) As for the bugs, I hate skeeters and biting flies, I have no problem with anything else. M is deathly afraid of spiders, so I am the executioner or outdoor escort, depending on my mood. The first time M asked me to kill a spider as I was walking by, I smacked it on the wall with my bare hand and kept on going. Apparently that grossed her out and she 1. didn't want to see spider guts splattered on the wall, and 2. would like me to dispose of the remains whenever I killed one for her. Sheesh! Demanding wench! Killing them isn't enough for you?! ;-)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I HATE bugs too!

We have the disgusting GIANT flying cockroaches around here! Just the thought of them has my skin crawling right now!

EWWWWWWWWWW!

Crazy Working Mom said...

OMG, you crack me up.

But I must admit that I hate 'em too, bugs that is.

That girl said...

Sayre - Baby bears are NOT cute! Not cute, no no no! They are wild animals. BIG difference. (woah- i'm getting all freaked out again, can you tell, lol?)

VV - you made me laugh! Apparantly killing the bugs just isn't enough anymore these days...carry around baby wipes, then you can discreetly wipe off any excess spider goop off your hands!

Queen - Thank God YOU have enough sense to hate bugs too! I was beginning to feel like I've entered the twighlight zone with all these bug loving readers!

Crazy mom - So glad you're with me on this :-)

Just telling it like it is said...

I feel your pain...bugs and I don't get a long...especially roaches...one time at work I looked in this little girl's ears and I found a roach and eggs...
now you don't feel so bad about your week end hu??
I know I got a million of them..
Missed you girl you always crack me up!!!

ablondeblogger said...

Hahahaha!! You sound just like me! I love hiking on our trails and being outside, but camping? No thank you. I'll take a ritzy hotel suite over that any day.

That girl said...

Just telling - That is the grossest thing I ever heard! A cockroach in someone's ears?! Ewww.

Blonde - Yeah, I'm not so much about hiking either...mostly I like to excercise in the gym or in some covered arena (preferably with air conditioners and TV's) I'm never gonna be the 'earthy' kind I guess...

Awesome Mom said...

I hate mosquitoes!! They love me but leave my kids and husband alone. I hate that if I want to play outside with my kids I have to coat myself in stinky bug spray.

luckyzmom said...

Bugs do stuff for us, like the mosquito eaters and honey makers,etc. I just wish then would stay away from my body.

The Woman said...

I would rather camp in a camper with an AC then in a tent where its hot and muggy and you can't stand erect blah

Fned said...

Dude I so know what you mean... this Fned hates all things green and open and fresh-airy and all that... I mean... what's so interesting about seeing leaves and grass?? Me? I prefer big cities with lots of people and lots of shops. Oh, and DON'T get me started on the bugs...

That's why Ireland was a great compromise... got to do the nature-thing for hubby's sake *yawn*... and then head on to the great cities with the lovely boutiques and the fun pubs each evening.... plus NO BUGS in a country that cold and rainy!!!

;)
Fned.

Dave said...

Atlant's smog gets rid of most of the bugs.

kristi said...

Oh no! I would crap on myself if I saw a bear. I am terrified of snakes. I HAD to mow yesterday because our grass in our pasture was so high I just knew there was a snake out there.

jolie-jordan said...

Too funny. Too true. I hate bugs and wild critters when hey invade people land too.

I could neve, never learn to live with cockroaches...else I'd be in the city living.

Thanks for popping over Michelle. It's been a long time for me to get around to blogs too. So much always happening. Hey, I like paint by numbers. (S)

xxxJolie