Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Don't tell anyone but...

I actually have a real life.
With real problems, that -as you've noticed- recently rudely interfered with my blogging.
I know! Who would've thought I'd have one of those?
When you are about to bring another person into this world, most of your thoughts revolve around the actual 'bringing another person into the world' event, not afterwards.
I remember being *so* concerned about the birth, but spent little time on focusing about raising my child afterwards.
My child was born, he came out healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes. I had a son.
The hard part was over.
In my young naivity I assumed that because he looked healthy, he was in fact healthy. Let the baby fun begin.
After all, isn't that what we all do? NO? Only me then...
There was no doubt in my mind that i'd have a healthy child. Why wouldn't I? After all, I was on the cheerleading team all through highschool. That should count for something, right?
Turns out those things don't guarantee a healthy child. I know!! I was shocked too!
6 years later, I found out that my son was autistic. It explained a lot of things, but it still was a big shock to my system.
As a mother, what you want for your kids is for them to be healthy and happy.
Just 2 months ago, we were told that he may have Tourette's as well. I was speechless. Shell shocked beyond belief. Images of my son's young life flashed before me, and all I could imagine is years of children laughing and teasing and pointing until he'd be so humiliated and insecure that he'd become a shell of a child.
It was awful, being in my head. I cried more than I ever have in my life.
I was angry at everyone, and couldn't get past the 'injustice' of it all. After all, my son already HAD a disability, why add another one? Why couldn't this have happened to someone else's kid?
I sunk into somewhat of a mild depression, staring at young moms carrying their babies, thinking 'just wait you'll see'.
Thankfully, JP is in my life, and his attitude is 'we'll deal with whatever it is'.
And he's right. We will.
I've come to the conclusion that it's not up to us to chose the life we'll lead.
Someone up there decides who gets what challanges in their life.
And I figure there's got to be a reason.
After all, I spent my first 23 years being vain, and shallow and judgemental.
My life revolved around parties and travel. I was on a self distructive path towards a shallow life which I thought I loved.
My son teaches me about humility and acceptance every day.
I know that is why he's mine.
I needed him.


ablondeblogger said...

Hey you!!!! Okay, see my response to your comment on my blog to see how excited I am to have found you again!!!!

I wish it was under better circumstances for you, though. I'm so very sorry for all you've been going through.

I would be falling apart too and crying my eyes out and imagining the worst. That's what we mothers do best.

You have my email right? ablondeandherblog AT yahoo DOT com

Drop me an email anytime you want to talk. I'm here for you! And I'm so glad to have found you again!


ablondeblogger said...

Oh no! Bloglines is telling me you have no RSS feed to subscribe to. And I am horrible at remembering to visit if someone's not in my Bloglines. *cry* Do you know why it won't let me subscribe to you?

Sayre said...

Oh, but this post is exactly why you're up to the challenge. You have obviously grown up quite a bit since you were 23. You have a special man to help you (that "we'll deal with it" attitude is a real blessing), and a child who needs you. Yes, he's got some problems. But neither autism nor Tourettes are fatal and he can have a pretty normal life in spite of them. It won't be easy - but I can guarantee that he will be worth the effort.

Hugs to you, Michelle.

That girl said...

Hi D!!

How are you? I've missed you too. Let's not lose each other again. By the way, did I mention just how much I LOVE your new look?

I've gone 'private' which is why you couldn't suscribe to me...but I've un-privatized my blog a few minutes ago, so if you try again, it'll work.

Sayre - It already IS worth the effort. He's awesome, I've never loved anyone so much in my life as I do him and his sister. (who's an adorable 'normal' 6 year old) Thanks for your kind words:-)

tweetey30 said...

Hey there. Thank you. I have missed visiting. If you ever need some one that is good with Tourettes talk to Tshsmom on myside bar. Her son has it and she talks alot about it on her blog. That is sad though. Hugs from the girls and I. I have to go mow the grass and try not to fight with the dang neighbors.. Having troubles here too but not as big as yours. Take care.

Eileen said...

Hi M.
You know, humility and acceptance are very major emotions to master, but well worth it once you do (although I don't think that anyone can actually 'master' them).
I do know that it's very difficult to not do the 'poor me' at times. Everyone does it and it's human. The difference is being able to put YOUR 'poor me' into perspective. Sayre is correct...B does NOT have a fatal disease. He IS different. Really? Who is NOT different? What is 'normal'? You know people who do have fatal diseases, or their loved one's do. Would you trade places with them?
I used to be very jealous of my sister and had a lot of resentments towards her. My first AA sponsor asked me if I would trade places with her and 'be' her. I had to answer 'no', I don't. It helped me to put things into perspective and realize that there were certain qualities about her that I resented, and I would not trade my life for hers. I know it's not even close to the same thing.
When Heather was born, I told dr D to take blood from her and test her for everything. She appeared to be so perfect, so there must have been something wrong with her. Right?
I just had a meeting at the school about Leah, she's behind, and she's in KINDERGARDEN. There were 8 people in the room, all talking about her development.
You are NOT alone in your thoughts for a healthy and happy child, everyone wants that. NOBODY gets it. There is something 'wrong' with everyone, no matter what the age. It is the degree to which the 'problem' is and how you, as a parent, react and treat him that is going to be the basis as to how 'disabled' he feels.
Give yourself a break. Cry, break down, be depressed. Your child has an illness (or 2). You have a right to feel that way. Then step back and write a 'gratitude' list of all the great things he IS, and leave everything out that he is NOT.
I guarantee that after you write that list, you will go hug both your kids and be thankful for who they are and who they can be.
Hugs to all of you. I miss you. If I was there, I'd hug you, but I'm not, so I won't.

That girl said...

Tweets - nice to see again... I wrote you the email about everything else.

Eileen - what can I say? I'm thankful to have you in my life. I like the idea of 'the thankful list' but I'm gonna hold off for a while, when I'm back in that dark place... thanks.

Ann(ie) said...

I'm SO glad you're back!! To be honest, I'd have to do the same thing if it were me and I heard that news. I'd have to shut down the ol' blog for a while and focus on the matter at hand and I usually do that by hunkering down and absorbing it all and processing it in my mind in private. I'm so sorry, love. While that's the last thing a mama wants to hear I know that you guys will roll with this just fine. If you need to talk we're all here to listen. Or email me and vent away anytime!!!! xoxoxo.

Pendullum said...

Thinking of you....
A mother's love is something that can move mountains...
Nothing stands in the way of a bear and her cubs...
But when we are alone, we bare the weight as well...
I am so glad you have the support of JP...
And know my thoughts are prayers are with you as it can be so darn isolating going through all of this...
You are right that your son is a gift...
And you know it...
And that is half the battle...
It is a few pieces of the puzzle... And early detection is the best, and through this, you will have the tools to help him embark on his life... It is a great deal at first... But know that I have a great deal of friends who have travelled on this road... And know that the children are off at university now... It is a great deal at first... but wee steps... there is a future... and it is there before you... for your family to grasp...

Dave said...

From what I've read in the past, JP is usually right.

Just telling it like it is said...

Awe girl....
Althought I can't understand everything that you are going through I do get your mommy heart ache...and arn't children just the best...They teach us so many beautiful things...always here...

Lisa said...

I'm sorry to hear this about your gorgeous wee boy. You're right about us taking it for granted...we just assume that once we've counted all those fingers and toes, all is perfect with the world. Unfortunately it's not always the case, as you know.

Looking at it from the other side of the fence...just think about how damn lucky he is to have YOU as his mother. I'd take you as my mum any day...honestly.

I love that your son has taught you such a valuable lesson in life. Just another reason to love him as madly and unconditionally as you do already. *hugs*

That girl said...

Annie - glad you understand :-)

I'm so happy to read you again. I was starting to shake from withdrawal while I was away.

Pendullum - beautifully said, thank you. You always have a way with words.

Dave - Amen, sista! (ooops,lol)

Just telling - Thanks for being there to read.

Lisa - That is a different perspective, yes. Thank you. Poor guy, he has no choice but to know how much I love him, I hug him and kiss him every chance I get (and one of the autism traits is they don't show much emotion, so I'm sure he's quite fed up with my outpour of love already, lol)

Just telling it like it is said...

Girl...my 13 yrs old son doesn't want my affection either...I guess it is not cool to kiss up your mother...the nerve...but I know that he secretely loves it when I tell him how special he is too me...have you thought about changing his diet...Jenny Mccarthy is on to something..I can;t tell you how many children come into the ER after getting vaccines.and act differnt to their parents ..enough to make me think twice...and The CDC is looking into alligations...I am not saying that this is not a blessing for all children brought into this world are but there have been break threws.. and let me tell you my granny once told me ohhhh girrll ...Myson the kid is going to break you heart...and now at 13 yrs old liking girls and almost 6ft tall she was right...
huggs just something to think about!!!

Queen of the Mayhem said...


1. I missed you TERRIBLY!

2. This is such a fantastic post.....he is blessed to have people like you and JP in his life! I firmly believe there is nothing you can't do with a little determination, a lot of patience and love, and a strong faith!

GOOD LUCK! And....don't be a stranger!

luckyzmom said...

Beautiful and sad at the same time. I cried. We only want the best for our children and it is really tough getting through the hard parts. You will get through on that enormous love you are holding in your heart.

Laura said...

So sorry to hear what you've been going through. That's a rough diagnosis. I am thinking of you and sending love and hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Michelle,
Gosh it's great to have you back. I was happily surprised when I saw a message from you on my blog.

Sorry you are going through difficult times and I can really empathize since we have a great deal of those issues with some of the kids in our family.

Like you I have at times been angered and sad and scared at what will happen in their future and it has taken a toll on everyone's life that is envolved. But bottom line is that we can't pick and choose a perfect life we just need to muster up the strength and have a good attitude and a sense of humor to help the kids/people get through the rough times. And thank Gosh all the times are not bad. Some are very rewarding.

This is not to say that at times I have not wanted to kick the kids and their parents asses that have been mean and said very hurtful things. ASSHOLES.

Still, when I am thinking right I know that in the end Karma is a powerful thing and they are not working toward a good Karma and I end up feeling sorry for them.

Just try to educate yourself as much as you can and get in groups with other people who are dealing with the same thing and with professionals. Strength comes in numbers not isolation. At least it has worked that way with us and I never act ashamed or sad about the problems we or these kids have which seems to allow other peope and relatives to treat them just like they do the so called regular kids. They let them fit in as much as the kid can.

Keep your chin up sweetie and good luck to you each day.

Diet is really a big thing. Find out all that you can.

Be happy...xxxJjB

kristi said...

Yep, I feel the same way about my son.