Don't tell anyone but...

I actually have a real life.

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With real problems, that -as you've noticed- recently rudely interfered with my blogging.

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I know! Who would've thought I'd have one of those?

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When you are about to bring another person into this world, most of your thoughts revolve around the actual 'bringing another person into the world' event, not afterwards.

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I remember being *so* concerned about the birth, but spent little time on focusing about raising my child afterwards.

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My child was born, he came out healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes. I had a son.

The hard part was over.

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In my young naivity I assumed that because he looked healthy, he was in fact healthy. Let the baby fun begin.

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After all, isn't that what we all do? NO? Only me then...

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There was no doubt in my mind that i'd have a healthy child. Why wouldn't I? After all, I was on the cheerleading team all through highschool. That should count for something, right?

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Turns out those things don't guarantee a healthy child. I know!! I was shocked too!

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6 years later, I found out that my son was autistic. It explained a lot of things, but it still was a big shock to my system.

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As a mother, what you want for your kids is for them to be healthy and happy.

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Just 2 months ago, we were told that he may have Tourette's as well. I was speechless. Shell shocked beyond belief. Images of my son's young life flashed before me, and all I could imagine is years of children laughing and teasing and pointing until he'd be so humiliated and insecure that he'd become a shell of a child.
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It was awful, being in my head. I cried more than I ever have in my life.

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I was angry at everyone, and couldn't get past the 'injustice' of it all. After all, my son already HAD a disability, why add another one? Why couldn't this have happened to someone else's kid?

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I sunk into somewhat of a mild depression, staring at young moms carrying their babies, thinking 'just wait you'll see'.

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Thankfully, JP is in my life, and his attitude is 'we'll deal with whatever it is'.

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And he's right. We will.

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I've come to the conclusion that it's not up to us to chose the life we'll lead.

Someone up there decides who gets what challanges in their life.

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And I figure there's got to be a reason.

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After all, I spent my first 23 years being vain, and shallow and judgemental.

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My life revolved around parties and travel. I was on a self distructive path towards a shallow life which I thought I loved.
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My son teaches me about humility and acceptance every day.

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I know that is why he's mine.
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I needed him.